Time for your six-month performance evaluation, baby

February 20, 2013

All right, baby. You’ve been with the company for six months, now, and, as is customary, we’d like to review your performance since you’ve joined us and look over your goals for the future:


Sleeping: Good; room for improvement. You’ve come a long way, baby, since those first few weeks when we were all living on the edge there. Now you get up once a night to eat and once a night to be rescued after you’ve backed yourself into a corner of the crib.
Goals for 2013: According to the pediatrician, by eight months we can just close the door on your room and say goodnight for ten to twelve hours. This may be a difficult goal to achieve but we know you can do it. It is in the company’s best interests that you meet this milestone.

Crying: Satisfactory. You have gotten a lot better about not crying as much as you’ve grown older, partially because we have figured out that it’s better to put you down at 7 PM instead of watching you fuss and bitch and moan for another hour or two.
Goals for 2013: Still room for improvement. While we know it is unreasonable to ask that you never cry again, that would be okay. In the meantime, try to see the faulty reasoning behind crying when we put you down for a nap when, if we didn’t, you’d just cry out of tiredness instead.

Diapers: Satisfactory
Goals for 2013: Stay the course.

Play: Good. You enjoy the squeaky giraffe Sophie, grabbing at people’s heads, putting everything in your mouth and having t-shirts put over your face.
Goals for 2013: Stay the course. Literally. Please don’t bang into anything too pointy when you start crawling.

Eating: Good. You’ve moved on from formula to carrots and peas and oatmeal and seem to be figuring it out, at least, after you make that initial face like your whole world is ending. Could be a little tidier but we showed foresight by stocking up on what we thought were too many bibs but what turned out to be just enough.
Goals for 2013: If you’re good, sweet potatoes, maybe a banana.

Cuteness/lovability: Exemplary. We can’t believe that we ever thought the dried up little peanut we brought home from the hospital was ever appealing. Now you have big eyes with girly lashes, nice fat cheeks and thighs, an amusing dearth of hair and a tendency to make funny squeaks and squawks. You've become pretty fun to be around. We have grown quite fond of you since you started becoming more of a little person and sometimes even miss you when you’re gone.
Goals for 2013: Keep it up.

Any feedback for us? “Goo?” you say? Well, all right, we can’t argue with that.  Now, unfortunately, you were not born into parents who knew what they were doing right away so your new bosses have been learning right along with you. However, I think that we are all doing a great job and would like to offer to sign you up for another six months.

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